5 Ways to Overcome Relationship Jet Lag
The term "relationship jet lag" means “when the transition into or out of time with your partner takes longer because your mind is still lagging behind, stuck in the last thing you were doing.”
It’s when you feel out of sync.
Couples can experience relationship jet lag at any time in any kind of relationship. Whether you’re living together or dating long distance. If you are living together, you may experience jet lag on the daily. In a long-distance relationship, you may experience it less often, but with more intensity.
There are many transitions that couples can experience. Often it includes a transition from morning routine to going to work and back again. If you don’t live together, the lag may be when you see each other again. Or, when you separate, the time you are alone again may feel hard. You may expect to get right back into your routine but find that challenging.
Typically, one partner may come home from work and still be distracted by the stress of the day or a lingering work issue, while the other partner is ready to connect and be together to start the evening as a couple. The latter may feel ignored, not heard, frustrated with their partner for not being more engaged or meeting them with the same enthusiasm. This is jet lag.
Long-distance couples, a partner who travels often, or a couple living apart may find it hard to get the motor running, so to speak, with conversation and closeness. One may be slower to warm up than the other. Upon leaving each other, one may feel less ready to say goodbye or end the time together. Upon coming home to separate spaces, one partner may find it harder to shift into a normal routine, spending more time missing and thinking about the recent time together. This is normal but challenging. We can read into this: my partner doesn’t love me as much, or they aren’t enjoying this time as much, or many other notions. Before you go there, here are five things to remember:
Be Honest with Yourself About Your Time Zone
This means to be aware of where you are in time. Coming home from work, determine if you need more time before the shift into couple mode. Maybe you need to communicate to your partner that you need 15-30 minutes to decompress in whatever way suits you before connecting or conversing. Maybe then you agree to a walk together, cook, or eat dinner together. This can help your partner understand it isn’t about them, it’s about the transition.
Alternatively, maybe you and your partner had an argument, or even an amazing time, and now you can’t stop thinking about that while you need to be productive and focused at work. Try setting aside a structured time limit to really focus on that memory of the weekend—or the upset—and then move on to current tasks.If you have a long-distance relationship or traveling partner, it will take time to adjust to either being together or leaving each other. Be aware of this and make time for anticipating your reunion. Maybe plan a simple activity to look forward to when you reunite. A little charcuterie board at home, a movie you’ve been saving to watch together. Same goes for separating. Plan something for your return to alone time. Maybe a bath, or a “me date” with sushi and Netflix, or time catching up with friends.
Don’t Try to Force Things
Be gentle with yourself. If one of you has a harder time adjusting, it doesn’t mean you are needy or codependent. It may mean your anxious attachment style is being triggered (and you can read my blog on Attachment styles), but it doesn’t mean you should be hard on yourself. Give yourself some space to calm your nervous system and allow your partner time too. Trust that when you come together, the patience will have been worth it.
Take Care of Business Before You Go Home
Sometimes we are not quite ready to be in that new phase. Sometimes we want to stay where we are and don't want to transition. Sometimes we want to, but there's something else that needs addressing before we can shift. Having a reason to make the shift helps. If we are dreading reconnecting, that is going to make getting in sync much harder. Maybe you had a recent argument, or some texting that went sour. Maybe the last time you were together didn’t meet your expectations. Maybe there is some stress looming. Take a minute before reuniting to wrap up loose ends. Try and set a new tone with yourself and your partner. Manage your expectations and set your intentions to be present and focused for your relationship. Sometimes we have to consciously decide and announce the shift into relationship space so we can be present for each other.
It’s important to remember that being in a relationship is only part of the equation. See illustration below. There needs to be you as an individual, your partner as an individual and then the relationship as a unit. No relationship should be all-consuming.
Venn diagram of relationships
4. Give Yourself Some Space
Get in touch with when transitions are hard for you. Is it coming home from work? Leaving in the morning? When you and your partner had longer separations? Is it when you are having trouble sharing the space again?
When I was married to a firefighter, his schedule would rotate days and nights. Sometimes, I would have three nights to myself. I found when he got back on day 4, I was glad to have him home and safe, but I also had a hard time sharing the bed again as well as the apartment and the parenting. There was both relief and tension. Tune in to what feels hardest so you can prepare yourself mentally for those shifts.
5. Have Fun Together
It sounds simple, but relationships are hard work and sometimes we forget to have fun. Set aside regular date nights, set certain topics off limits to make some time together sacred, find new activities to learn and share together. Have fun sex.
Also, remember to have fun separately. We need time with friends and doing activities and hobbies individually too. This brings new energy to the relationship. It gives us things to talk about and share with our partner and keeps us feeling happier overall. Remember, our relationship is one aspect of who we are. It’s important to hold the relationship as a priority, but that involves holding ourselves as a priority too. Each will help the other.
“The greatest gift you can give somebody is your own personal development. I used to say, “If you will take care of me, I will take care of you. “Now I say, I will take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me.”
If you need help navigating relationship jet lag, feel free to reach out for a free consultation call. Or download my ebook: How to Find & Keep Love here
