One Big Cause of Conflict in a Relationship — And the Simple Fix

Dec 22

Resolving conflict in a relationship can feel hard. You might want to pull your hair out. You might want a genie to grant you a couple wishes so you can finally read your partner’s mind.

Conflict is a normal, common part of any relationship. But it can be a struggle when you’re clashing with a romantic partner. And if the conflict isn’t resolved, you’ll find yourself feeling irritable and arguing with your partner more often.

Taking time to identify the root of the problem can make a lot of issues disappear.

So what’s the key to identifying the root of a problem?

Understanding your partner’s preferred way of being supported and supporting you.

It’s not as complicated as it sounds. It just requires reflection, communication, and patience. Let’s take a look at the steps you can take to start strengthening your relationship today.

Understanding Your Partner’s Love Language

One helpful resource is the book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman. In this book, Chapman discusses the different languages people use to show and receive love.*1

The five love languages are…

Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch

If Words of Affirmation is your dominant love language, you prefer your partner to voice their love and appreciation to you. You love when they tell you they love you or how grateful they are for the things you do for them.

If Quality Time is your love language, nothing beats spending time with your partner. It doesn’t matter whether you’re playing board games, watching a movie, or chatting about your day. You feel the most loved when you’re spending time together.

If Receiving Gifts is your love language, you feel most loved when your partner gives you a gift. It shows your partner was thinking about you. Plus, you feel good having something that reminds you of them.

If Acts of Service is your dominant love language, you feel loved when they do the dishes or take out the trash for you. You appreciate helpful actions that show your partner cares.

If Physical Touch is your love language, being physically close to your partner is important. You’ll gravitate towards holding your partner’s hand or rubbing their shoulders.

This can be a fun way to categorize yourself. But it’s also the first step to understanding what matters most to you and your partner in your relationship.

And when you reflect on your preferences you’ll start to uncover where conflicts stem from.

Using Love Languages to Resolve Conflict in a Relationship

Conflict can result from you and your partner having different dominant love languages.

For example, let’s assume your dominant love language is Words of Affirmation. If your partner rarely says ‘I love you,’ you may feel insecure and doubt how much they care. They could wash the dishes, buy you gifts, and spend quality time with you every evening. But if they aren’t speaking your love language, you’ll still feel like something’s missing.

Now let’s consider your partner.

Let’s say your partner’s primary love language is quality time. If you consistently cancel your date nights to work late at the office your partner will feel like something’s missing. You may think you’ll make it up to them by coming home with a box of their favorite chocolates, but you won’t be speaking their love language.

Not sharing a dominant love language with your partner is common. So if that’s your situation, don’t worry.

The key to resolving these conflicts is making an effort to show each other love the way the other prefers — and it requires patience and understanding.

Let’s revisit our examples. Your partner would need to remember to voice their love and appreciation to you more often. And you would need to prioritize spending more quality time together.

Relationships are all about compromise. When you’re both trying to speak each other’s love language you’re showing that your partner’s needs and desires are important to you — which goes a long way!

Understanding Your Partner’s Erotic Blueprint

Sexual problems are also a common source of conflict in relationships. In fact, more than half of couples experience some kind of sexual difficulty.*2

This goes beyond how often you want to be intimate. Sexual problems can arise because of a difference in preferences in the bedroom, too.

To help understand what turns some people on and not others, Jaiya, a Somatic Sexologist, created the erotic blueprint.

Similar to love languages, the erotic blueprint reveals what your dominant erotic language is.*3

The five erotic languages are…

Energetic
Sensual
Sexual
Kinky
Shapeshifter

Someone who prefers teasing, yearning, and anticipation is categorized as Energetic. They tend to get overwhelmed by too much, too soon.

Sensual people love having all their senses stimulated. They enjoy delicious food, pleasant smells, pleasurable lighting, etc.

Those who are turned on by what we consider “mainstream” sex — nudity, penetration, orgasms — are considered Sexual.

People who prefer things thought of as “taboo” fit in the Kinky category. Their turn-ons are both psychological and sensation-based.

Shapeshifters don’t fit into any one of the above categories because they enjoy all of the above.

You may want to experiment to discover what you enjoy most in the bedroom. Setting aside time to try different types of touching, toys, and activities can be both fun and rewarding.

As long as you and your partner feel comfortable and safe, this is a powerful way to understand each other’s desires.

How Erotic Blueprints Can Resolve Conflict in a Relationship

It can take time to learn and categorize both you and your partner’s erotic blueprints. But that’s ok!

What’s most important is having open communication.

You’re discussing things you may have never talked about with anyone before. It will take time to get used to.

As you learn more about your partner, you’ll recognize where certain disagreements, conflicts, or misunderstandings have come from. Over time, making a continued effort to speak your partner’s erotic language will help resolve those conflicts and prevent them in the future.

Using These Tools to Strengthen Your Relationship

Working with your partner to understand each other’s love and erotic languages is crucial to a strong relationship. But it’s not enough to simply know what their languages are.

Strengthening your relationship requires intentional action to continue heading in the right direction.

And if you still don’t feel like your partner is giving you what you need, it’s important to practice patience.

Forming new habits takes time. Continue communicating with your partner while giving them room to be imperfect. After all, none of us are perfect! Give your partner the same grace you’d love for them to give you.

Help from an unbiased professional can make a huge difference when having these conversations with your partner. That’s where a relationship coach comes in.

A relationship coach will support you as you learn conflict resolution skills and work towards a common goal.

If you’re interested in finding out how a coach can support you, I’m here to help.

Book a discovery call today to find out how we can work together to strengthen your relationship.