Two Things That Impact Your Relationship and How to Make it Better

Oct 5

Humans are wired for attachment. When my clients say, “I’ll just be alone forever,” I know they don’t mean it. We are designed to be interdependent, and it’s ok to want someone to depend upon. In fact, science demonstrates that the more our needs ARE met in our dependency years, the more confident and independent we can become.

Our emotional needs continue to vie for attention as adults though, and research again demonstrates that when we feel safely partnered, we can feel secure enough to venture forth in other endeavors.

One of my favorite quotes below clearly indicates this healthy bond:

“The greatest gift you can give somebody is your own personal development. I used to say, "If you will take care of me, I will take care of you." Now I say, I will take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me.”
~Jim Rohn

The opposite, I suppose, would be “if you don’t take care of yourself for me, it’s going to be really hard for me to take care of myself for you."

In fact, science has even proven that partners will coregulate. Hand-holding especially can bring down heart rates, blood pressure and stress activity in the brain of the other person. That’s why it broke my heart to hear about people dying alone during Covid. We aren’t meant to be alone, and we physically and emotionally need someone to be there for us!

“So why is it so hard for me to find a partner then?” my clients ask.

An answer is found in the attachment styles we develop in our childhood and carry with us. Understanding them and being willing to work on them can make a difference in who we attract and to whom we are attracted.

In the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, they describe three main styles:

The first is Secure Attachment style. We are lucky if we have this one. It means our primary caregiver kissed our boo boos when we were little, and showed up for us consistently. We felt safe most of the time and trusted the people and the world in general. Cue the “what-what?! and god bless the lucky ducks.

To me, these are the long-term relationship people. They stay in it for the long haul because their belief is simply, “why not?'“ They assume the best in people and have no reason not to. They take the highs and lows of a relationship in stride. My hunch is you won’t find many of these people in the online dating pool, but when you do it’s best to spot the qualities quickly and get them off the market.

However, if we don’t possess a secure attachment style ourselves, we may describe these people as missing a spark, no passion, boring, or too nice. This is when it’s good to dig deeper into that book and your own therapy.

Secure people aren’t about drama, they like closeness and intimacy, and we if we tend toward anxious or avoidant styles we may miss the cues of a stable, reliable, healthy relationship staring us in the face.

This leads us to Anxious Attachment style. Anxious people may have had a childhood where the caregiver was inconsistent with their attention and meeting the child’s needs so the child was not certain of what to expect. As children, anxious styles may find it difficult to separate from their caregivers, be generally anxious, be inconsolable or have difficulty regulating their emotions. As adults, they could be described by partners as needy or clingy because they require reassurance, closeness, and can be an emotional roller coaster.

Anxious people, especially women, often find themselves attracted to avoidant partners.

“You’re only as troubled as the relationship you’re in.”
~Attached

Avoidant Attachment style is mainly what my female clients come in complaining about as they search for love. The dating pool is swarming with them because these types cycle through relationships fairly quickly and are unlikely to pair up with another avoidant.

They are the ones that feel suffocated or stifled by intimacy. They may have grown up with only some needs met and others never met. Maybe they could count on a bottle, but not being held. They learned it’s safer to do it themselves, not trust, and not ask for help. They also tend to blame external circumstances for not being able to find the right relationship.

They may start a relationship with “love bombs” but then they pull away, distance themselves, pride themselves on being extremely independent, and can leave an anxious style never knowing where they stand in the relationship. (I can see the head nods and hear the mmhmms.)

Avoidants usually can be uncompromising and use distancing-physical and emotional. They lack clear intentions and fear being taken advantage of.

So, I know at this point you are feeling pretty hopeless. Don’t!

The underlying theme of the book and attachment in general is that the right person will bring out the best in each of us. And, as many of us have experienced, the wrong person will definitely bring out the worst in us.

So before the next interaction, here are some points to remember and look for:

Stay aware of red flags of avoidant style and anxious style
Think like a Secure. An example in the book is thinking about how we are with our pets. We are quick to forgive, trusting, show love and affection easily, know the intimacy is mutual, don’t question it and feel mostly satisfied.
Communicate your needs from day one.
There are many partners that can make you happy, not just one ideal.
Never take blame for a date’s bad behavior. As I always tell my clients: “other people’s behavior is always about them."
A secure person respects themselves and expects to be treated with respect and care.

If you are in a committed relationship with an avoidant or anxious, don’t despair.

There are many ways to effect change. One is to become aware of the ways we protest our partners’ unwelcome behavior.

We may text or call excessively if we are anxious, or decide when he finally replies we won’t reply for the same amount of time.

We may withdraw or give the silent treatment, keep score, act hostile by rolling our eyes, sighing, walking away.

We may threaten to leave, divorce, say mean things in the heat of the moment. We may manipulate or make our partner feel jealous.

We may also have thoughts the authors call activating strategies. This is when we seek a sense of security and have thoughts and feelings that compel us to get close. We can’t stop thinking about them, we amplify their good qualities, we feel less anxious when in touch with them, we believe there is no one else for us, no options. We believe they can change or they could be better with someone else so no one else can have them.

With therapy or coaching, and a willingness to dive into this, there is the opportunity for better.

How many of us have left a bad relationship, maybe it took years, but we look back with utter confusion as to why we stayed so long, or why we put up with so much? When we know better, we do better; and when we can recognize the signs of a healthy partner, we are well on our way.

Never give up on love and especially on loving yourself. If you need support with understanding yourself and your relationships through the lens of attachment, please reach out.